Writing Class – 750 Word Limit

The Magic Typewriter, by P. Huston

Looking out his window of the house he’d lived in for 54 years, Bob saw a pickup truck. Parked in front of his house. It was his neighbor Darnell again. By golly, Bob thought angrily, today was the day it stopped. Knowing in his mind Darnell, attempting to avoid the heatwave later, would be sitting on his pickup drinking beer.

***

About one o’clock in the afternoon Bob, walking purposefully across his lawn, was confronting Darnell.

“Darnell, you have to stop parking in front of my house,” Bob said, testily.

“Why?”

“It’s very unattractive and I do not like looking at it,” Bob replied.

“Think of it as sculpture. Modern art.”

“That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard in a long time. I’m not the only one, you know. The Mexican woman across the street is tired of it, too!” Bob proclaimed noisily.

“The one with the little dog that looks like a woman who has sex for money’s bedroom slipper and poops on the sidewalk? I’m awfully tired of seeing that.”

“You wouldn’t see it if you parked in front of your own house,” Bob said, firmly.

“I’ll think on that for a while, Bob. Later. Too gosh darn hot right now.”

Bob, walking away stridently thought Darnell the most boorish person ever to live in the house next door. Slamming his door Bob was walking into the dining room where his mother, dead these 20 years, had kept 183 penguin mementos, acquiring them in her travels as a military nurse. One with sunglasses leaning on a palm tree, one as the handle of a coffee mug. One with a clock in its belly, one…Wait a minute, does anyone really care? No? Sorry. Bob had the cleaning lady dust them once a month never having the heart to box them up.

Well, enough of Darnell. Bob, lifting the lid on mother’s old Remington Travel Riter and sitting and inserting paper and typing he began…

***

“Darnell, is that beer cold?” his sister Monik hinted, tentatively.

“Yes.”

“Could I have a sip?” she asked, hopefully.

“No. It’s my last one.”

“Didn’t Momma teach you any manners?” she demanded, haughtily.

“They wore off.”

Monik walked away huffily in disgust. Well, she thought, Darnell was the worst brother ever but she decided cleverly to walk around the side of the house and hide behind an overgrown boxwood and wait patiently for Darnell to set the beer down and go inside to answer the call of nature knowing he did that regularly.

Sure enough, after a few minutes Darnell set the Colt 45 Tallboy in the ice chest sitting in the bed of his truck and went inside.

Monik, running to the truck, drank hastily all the remaining beer.

Darnell, returning, tipped the can to his lips expecting beer, then pulling it away, looking down inside it.

“Monik, did you drink my beer?”

“No,” she said, averting her eyes and looking away.

“Yes you did.”

“No I didn’t.”

“Yes you did.”

“Okay, maybe I did. So what?” she retorted hotly, wondering what sort of stupid big brother thing Darnell would do now.

“Girl, I told you it was my last one. It’s 112 degrees and the air conditioner is broken.”

“Get over it,” she said, dismissively. Turning, she was watching Darnell walking to the front, reaching inside, walking back with something in his hand.

“What do you think you’re doing, Darnell?” Monik asked, apprehensively.

“I told you.”

“Darnell –” And she was looking at her brother. Shooting her in the head.

***

The policeman leading Darnell to the squad car with another policeman, asking him curiously, “Why did you do it? What were you thinking?”

“Ask the idiot who wrote this.”

“Him?” The policemen guffawed immodestly. “We did. He said this was Limited Omniscient. Didn’t you see it? You got no tags, no interiority. Besides, what’s in a man’s head who shoots his sister over a beer?”

“That’s not fair,” Darnell said, blubbering sadly.   (ooops)

“Coulda been worse. Coulda been Objective. Or Journalistic. Woulda been over a long time ago.”

“Yeah, and we wouldn’t have gotten any lines!” The two policemen shoving Darnell in the car laughing and laughing, thinking they were the two funniest policemen on Earth.

***

Bob watching gleefully the tow truck pulling Darnell’s pickup away. Rubbing his hands together briskly, stepping lightly to the table he was snapping the latches on mother’s typewriter, closing the lid gently. Darnell was handled. The Mexican woman’s bedroom slipper pooper would have to wait for another day.

 

Fact -In the midst of the 1980 heat wave a Houston, Texas man, while sitting on the side of his pickup, shot and killed his sister for drinking his last cold Colt 45.

 

 

 

 

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Published by

Phil Huston

https://philh52.wordpress.com/

13 thoughts on “Writing Class – 750 Word Limit”

    1. I got busted in “writing class” for complaining that it was a junior high school short story class and not in any way constructive. I got the accompanying nyah nyah you juat can’t write anything short. Yes I can. Exactly like the rest of the class. In exactly the 750 word limit.

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  1. What a hoot. If your classmates’ writing is anything like this, you should brink your gun to class, do us all a favor.
    Makes one wonder why adverbs exist at all. I’ll admit how glaring examples like this can be — a personification of putrescent pulp — truly shines a light on the wrong way (in so many ways).
    Now, in 750 words or less, rewrite this as one of your ability should.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It would be less. Unless I ramped up the dialog a little. And we know that lengthy woman who has sex for money would shorten and that ridiculous run on when sister goes to hide. I had to work at this to keep the tags pasted on the ends like Eeyore’s tail. My favorite thing was hooking passive verbs together with was and once in a while changing tense in a sentence. That’s my swan song class post. And yes, it has at least one instance of all the things I’ve very politely mentioned (seriously) as “you could try -“ for the passivity, every sentence with an intro clause out of logical order and continuous action out of logic to raised the glass to his mouth to drink. Where else was he going to raise it? His ear? Jesus. I paid real money for editorial baloney when I was looking for literary mechanics. Do you know not once in the entire class were the elements of fiction brought up? I got more from Miss Gunn’s 8th grade AP English class. Like Barnum said, one born every minute and here I am.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. The continuous task is to know what you *don’t* want. Keep doing that and eventually, the only things left… Like the man with twenty careers. “I know what I don’t want to be.”

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Without recourse, indeed. I don’t do internet selling or shopping. I’m a visual/tactile person. If I cannot see it and feel it, I won’t spend money on it.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Lol! This is terrible, but so, so good. I was just thinking that the use of an adverb every so often might be an okay thing. Might be. But this is way over the adverb calorie limit. Over the limit, but hilarious. I have missed your posts. Greatly, sadly missed. I hurriedly came here to read. Now i’m laughingly enjoying them.

    Liked by 2 people

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