Okay, God. I Apologize

For what I don’t know.

Last week after a brief tête-à-tête with an idiot jaywalker I gave her the finger and she screamed “Racist” and I replied “Idiot Ass is color blind.” But we’ve gotten so far off the porch on political correctness it’s become illegal to fart at the zoo. The karma police don’t have time for that sort of offensive minutia. And Idiot Ass is color blind.

Thursday a hard drive full of personally curated audio samples got flaky and died before I could back it up. Fortunately it was (mostly) a copy of a drive on an old computer in the garage. I got a new external SSD. When you go to copy a drive you’ve been maintaining the contents of since 2006 (the year of the first and only big crash that ate 20 years worth of sampling data) you realize just how much shit you’ve accumulated and how easily 723GB pares down to 232GB that’s useful. Like editing the written word. But it still takes hours to comb through, sort and copy.

Friday morning I scratched my left eye. I have no idea how. At first I thought I had an errant eyelash or some boulder in there, but after a day of trying to flush it with saline I knew better. It’s unwise to leave anything about your eyes to chance so I hit the urgent care down the street. I got antibiotic drops. Even better I got a black eye patch. Arrrrr, Matey!

Sunday morning my dryer stopped getting hot. I know why, but I won’t call Oprah and blame anyone publicly for my suicidal feelings. Instead I ordered the part on Amazon, watched a video and dismantled my dryer. With one eye and no depth perception. I could hear the power screwdriver saying with not a little eye rolling “To the right, idiot. The screw is to the right.”

Monday afternoon the part arrived. The old politically incorrect saying “So simple a blind man could do it” shone on me like the Star of Bethlehem because screwed back together and switched on it performed like new. A 45 minute job that took three hours. And saved me $700. And I only got a small nick on my left hand and no blood.

Tuesday morning my wife got her second cup of coffee. I went for mine and the bottom needle in the Keurig broke. The fault message was “clean the needles.” Which I did, loaded another pod and when I pulled it after failure two the needle fell out on the floor. Okay. Take a shower, go buy a coffee maker.

I have soft close toilet seats. All they require is a gentle tap and the pets can’t drink out of them. No one (grandkids) can bang them in the middle of the night. No one gets grossed out lowering the seat and lid. Tap n go. I raise the seat so I can tinkle while the shower heats up, and out of nowhere I’m doing my thing and the fucking hinge on one side of the seat breaks. The lid stays up, the ring nose dives into the commode and takes up residence ass end up like the Titanic while, to avoid splatter blowback, I implement some knee bends and redirects in an attempt to pee through the hole.

Now there are two things that need mandatory repair before the sun rises.

I got a dual purpose Keurig on sale. Pods or carafe. Screw me once needles, but not twice. I should mention the replacement part is half the cost of a new machine and according to most of the reviews it’s good for a day to four months. Plus I had to wait a day for it. Screw. That. I almost bought another brand of dually but it required the insertion of various adaptors on the pod side to function properly. Screw. That. I was able to obtain the seat replacement at the same store. It’s the little blessings, you know?

Now it’s Wednesday. I might not get out of bed.

Published by

Phil Huston


8 thoughts on “Okay, God. I Apologize”

  1. Too much information re splatter blowback (try sitting down?). Tea and coffee are diuretics and give withdrawal headaches, so water is best. Ain’t mentionin’ anything about the idiot jaywalker in case she sues me. Sam has kept our drier going for 30 years – I think it’s now immortal. Hope the eye gets better soon!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Oh man I am hurting for you! You must be afraid to even move at this point. At least you were productive though. You learned new things and saved a ton of money so this time of misfortune wasn’t a total waste of life.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Fun read.
    You could do a post like this every week and we’d all enjoy it.

    The death of data is never fun. The next problem comes when you want to restore from some backup system you’ve been running for years. Like safe you’ve forgotten the combination to.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. The one thing that’s been around so long it’s not In your password manager. And the folders you have to open and investigate because last time you renamed them “to more accurately reflect their contents.” Usually I can spot or sense failure by behavior and this time a scan made us both happy. For a day. I know better, you know? Blame it on the hub. Blame it on Microsoft. Anything, but please don’t make me back that shit up right now!

      Liked by 2 people

  4. I say stay in bed…except for coffee rePhils.
    I owed you a bad portmanteau for making me laugh so hard, imagining you trying to *not* hit a moving target.


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