Ooops! Make That N for “NO” Carolina
In 1961 a US Military plane carrying two nuclear bombs crashed over a farm in Faro, North Carolina. On the way down one of the bombs completed six of the seven steps needed to detonate. The bomb was 250 times more powerful than the Hiroshima bomb.
There’s a joke in there about Andy of Noberry, but we all know California looks just like North Carolina if you shoot below the palm tops. Or Wisconsin or Oklahoma or New Mexico…
The information on the bombs was released by the U.S. government! Imagine what they’re NOT telling us…That volcano? Well, you see, there was this –
Conspiracy journalists say part of the No Carolina bomb is still missing. Surprise, surprise, surprise.
“Whattaya mean? We need to score more points than the other guys?”
I worked for this company where the sales force showed for the semi-annual mandatory time waste of a meeting in a remote part of a southern state. After three days of product managers and marketing managers and ownership asking us what we thought about things that were foregone conclusions and pretending to listen to the couple of guys who loved the sound of their own voices, the last presentation was, you guessed it, nepotism in full bloom. Yes, the owner’s third wife’s son, fresh from a short career as a (young) lifelong mediocre student of tennis and a two week crash course in business management at a major college satellite in West Bajesus, Texas, parks his butt on the stool, center stage in the auditorium, his Retinol pink cheeks flushed with enthusiasm. And, to a room full of guys at the top end of the field in niche sales, he proceeds to read Vince Lombardi inspirational quotes from a coffee table book devoted to them. In honor of that moment and the playoff season in football, I offer these timeless and inspirational quotes.
“The Giants are going to have to outscore Miami if they want to win.”
sportscaster (between jobs) and current Head Coach of the Oakland Raiders Jon Gruden. A deep understanding of the game is a key component of coaching if you want your own coffee table book.
“They’ve won fifteen of their last eight games.”
sportscaster Chris Meyers on the Arizona Cardinals. (see Freebie below)
“The leadership definitely has to come from the leaders.”
sportscaster Emmett Smith (No wonder he’s in the NFL Hall of Fame, a successful entrepreneur and humanitarian. He knows who the boss is)
“Why should we have to go to class if we came here to play FOOTBALL, we ain’t come to play SCHOOL, classes are pointless.”
tweet sent by Ohio State backup quarterback Cardale Jones. Probably a broadcast communications major…
North Carolina DUH Two-fer
ROOMS WITH BROKEN AIR CONDITIONERS ARE HOT
headline Burlington (North Carolina) Times News
“Men do tend to talk about things on a much higher level. Many of my male colleagues, when they go to the House floor, you know, they’ve got some pie chart or graph behind them and they’re talking about trillions of dollars and, you know, how the debt is awful and, you know, we all agree with that . . . We need our male colleagues to understand that if you can bring it down to a woman’s level and what everything that she is balancing in her life—that’s the way to go.”
Representative Renee Ellmers (R-North Carolina)
Somebody had to vote for her, people. No wonder they had to legislate who could pee where.
VILLAGE PEOPLE UPSET
AT YMCA PLANS
headline Central Somerset Gazette (UK)
What was the problem? Going Coed? Allowing non-Christian heathens access? Threatening to leave the EU? Interrupting non-stop Cumberbatch streaming in the lobby? Firing the riding chaps only barista? I mean it must have been something major because these guys are the poster boys for diversity and can’t we all just get along.
Ain’t No Baby Ruth, Geniuses
HEALTH OFFICIALS: POOLS, DIARRHEA NOT GOOD MIX
Headline, Omaha (Nebraska) World Herald
I want to say “Well no shit duh…” but I won’t. I managed (was) the concession stand at a City Park run public olympic size pool complete with lo-hi dive one summer. Find me a better gig for a 19 year old male.
Trivia – Nebraska has the longest, straightest main street in the world. Sort of the way your intestine feels after a colonoscopy prep.
First, find a bunch of storks…
“What is needed to make more babies in Portugal?”
-President of Portugal Anibal Antonio Cavaco Silva
Well, not having to come up with four names would be another good place to start. And then there’s the birds and bees stuff if the storks are a fail.
This guy was elected, by the way.
Your Freudian Slip Is Showing
A story that appeared in Sunday’s Argus Observer contained an incorrect spelling of a name. Pastor Dick Bigelow was incorrectly identified as Dick Bigblow. The Argus Observer regrets the error.
correction notice, Argus Observer (Ontario, Canada)
Our HR director talks about the gender split & tits importance at O2. Read more at: O2 Twitter
tweet by telecommunications service provider O2
As if “gender split” wasn’t bad enough…